Life on the outside looking in

[Alloriana]

Why is it that some people are automatically shuffled to the outskirts of a group? Why is it that some people are ALWAYS on the outside looking in, not of thier own volition?

Example: A perfectly sweet, kind loving girl switches high schools in 10th grade. She makes a few "friends" but by the time Grad comes around she does not get even one invite to a grad party?

Example: A very nice, intellegent, though bi-polar woman joins several online groups. In every group she is either ignored or treated as a member but not with the same warmth as other members.

Why are certain people always on the outside looking in?

[Silmarillion]

I think perhaps the bipolar disorder could be affecting their judgement.  That's not an insult, but perhaps the oversensitivity to things posted could be limiting their enjoyment.  

I happen to be a member of a forum that is specifically tailored to people with such disorders....  

ukobservers.net/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi

Could be worth checking out...

[HeadHunter]

Hi there,

I`m only new here, but I just saw this thread and wanted to say summat.
A few years back, I had a pretty heavy period of depression.
I got all the Seratonin tablets, all the fluoxitines, all the other stuff that clouds your head but does help.
But while I was at my worst, I used to post on some old AOL messageboards, and cos I was feeling pretty down, I got accused of bringing the others down too.
I couldnt see it myself at the time, same as I only just joined here and dont know sh*t from Shinola regarding who`s who and whats what.
All I know is, I now look back on my posts during that period and can see where the folks were coming from.
I got my head together at a place called TaPiR ...a place for people with depression and phobias. They all understood where i was coming from.
I just checked out the link that Silmarillion posted.
That place looks pretty neat to me.
Anyway, I`m gonna close my yap for now.
Nice to be here you guys.

[Nachtrafe-Tyrant Jr]

Off Topic: Welcome Headhunter!!  Have you posted to the Newbie forum yet?

Off Topic II: This probably belongs in the Advice Forum.  Could one of the mods please move it?

On Topic: Well...first the nature of reality answer.  In any social group, there will always be those who dont fit in.  That are pushed to the outside.  That are 'misfits'.  That's the nature of reality.

Collary to the Nature of Reality: I used to be one of those people.  In high school I was your classic computer geek.  Every group I tried to join, I didn't fit in with.  Wasn't popular enough, wasnt 'cool' enough, wasnt a stoner, wasn't a jock.  Even when I got a growth spurt and joined the varsity football team, I didn't fit in.  I was too geek for them.  And the geeks didn't want anything to do with me cuz I was a jock.  Oh, and to make it worse, I was almost Phobicly shy.

But you know what?  I got over it.  I got help.  I talked to people that understood and that helped me.  Gave me a place to start.  Got me to really look at the root of my problems.  And do you know what the root was?  Me!  I had to make the decision to heal myself.  I had to decide to not let my fears run my life.  I had to decide not to give in and give up.  And I got through it.  It was some of the hardest work I'd ever done in my entire life!  But it was worth every second of pain and hurt.

And look at me now.  I fit in just fine.

Sometimes, all it takes is a little oomph.  A little guts.  A little hutzpah.  I understand that being Bi-Polar is a real condition.  But I know plenty of people who are By-Polar that lead perfectly normal lives.  Cuz they dont let their disease rob them of their self respect.  They get off their butts and take like by the collar and do something with it.

Alloriana...Jan...Sitting around complaining about how horrible your life is doesn't acomplish anything other than making your life horrible.  You have to make the decision to make it better.  You do!  You cant depend on anyone else to do it.  We all have our own lives to lead too.  We're all out taking our lives by the shirt collars and living them.  And you need to do the same.

I sincerely hope this helps.

[Maigan]

Your post seems to be full of sadness. Feeling on the outside can be pretty painful. Especially if one feels powerless in 'breaking through'.

I have a kid who is pretty disturbed, and she is often very sad (and distressed) because she doesn't fit in. But she is learning some strategies to help her cope and to get along better with people. Unfortunately I cannot make people want to be with her - but this would not help her anyway. She needs to learn how to monitor herself and some different ways of behaving. Then she can use what she has learned to improve her life as she grows up.

Can I ask how old you are? I only ask because it makes a difference to what I might say.

I'm going to leave it there apart from sending you a hug and reminding you that mood does affect how you see things and that mood disorders should be looked at by someone who is trained to do so.

[Blizzard]

You cant live your life expecting to be accepted by anyone or any group of people. You can try to fit in, by either addapting to the environment or attempt to make the others apreciate you for who and what you are(yeah right! good luck!!).
Or you can take the hint and look for acceptance elsewhere.

Part of the problem comes sometimes from trying to be something youre not. No matter how sincere the person is, people dont realy believe others understand them, unless they are like them; which makes sense.

If you're outside looking in, take notice of all those others outside with you.