Whisper
Slave
Leader and Beloved founder
It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed.
Posts: 20
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Post by Whisper on Nov 4, 2001 11:47:48 GMT -5
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" He just ate the cue ball off my pool table--whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.
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Whisper
Slave
Leader and Beloved founder
It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed.
Posts: 20
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Post by Whisper on Nov 4, 2001 11:48:19 GMT -5
================================ A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning,he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his scretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: (1) it had never been occupied; (2) that there was plenty of heat; (3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord. ==============================
PERFECT DAY FOR HER: 8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses. 8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday. 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants. 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil. 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer. 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb-out. 12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe. 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 pounds. 13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit. 15:00 Nap. 16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer. 16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage. 17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before mirror. 19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing. 22:00 Hot shower (alone). 22:30 Make love. 23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling. 23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
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Whisper
Slave
Leader and Beloved founder
It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed.
Posts: 20
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Post by Whisper on Nov 4, 2001 11:48:56 GMT -5
=================================== HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
• Both take up too much space on the bed. • Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. • Both are threatened by their own kind. • Both mark their territory. • Both are bad at asking you questions. • Neither tells you what's bothering them. • The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. • Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. • Neither does any dishes. • Both fart shamelessly. • Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. • Both like dominance games. • Both are suspicious of the postman. • Neither knows how to talk on the telephone. • Neither understands what you see in cats. ============================
The 10 last things a woman would ever say
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. 9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.. 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7. Hey, get a whiff of that one. 6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute. 5. This diamond is way too big. 4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. 3. Wow, it really is 14 inches! 2. Does this make my butt look too small? 1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
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Whisper
Slave
Leader and Beloved founder
It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed.
Posts: 20
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Post by Whisper on Nov 4, 2001 11:49:25 GMT -5
============================ Little Known Penis Facts
Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200 Average number of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons
Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour
Average number of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7 Average number of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150
Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches Average length when erect: 5.1 inches
Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches
Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale) Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet
Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning/fall
Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight.
Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ
Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60% Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54% Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks
Average number of erections per day for a man: 11 Average number of erections during the night: 9
Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)
Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours
Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation) Shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie: 7 years
Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100
Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm
Number of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: almost 6
In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet. Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste.
Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.
ACIDIC FRUITS AND ALCOHOL (EXCEPT PROCESSED LIQUORS) GIVE IT A PLEASANT AND SUGARY TASTE. Examples: oranges, mangoes, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc.
Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate,doughnuts, pumpkin pie
Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower
It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood', a name for an A.M. erection
Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false
Guys, it's not you, a female is wet all of the time.
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Whisper
Slave
Leader and Beloved founder
It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed.
Posts: 20
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Post by Whisper on Nov 4, 2001 11:49:51 GMT -5
====================================
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN 1. You can have a woman president without electing her. 2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it. 3. You can call Budweiser beer. 4. You can be a crook and still be president. 5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything. 6. If you can breathe you can get a gun. 7. You get to be really obese. 8. You can play golf in hideous clothes and nobody seems to care. 9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy" 10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth. 10a. When you're not. 10b. At all.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH 1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay. 2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time. 3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs. 4. If there's a war you can surrender really early. 5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on SBS 6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries. 7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star. 8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride. 9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just s*** in the street. 10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH 1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah. 2. Proper beer. 3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket. 4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events 5. Union jack underpants. 6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer. 7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power. 8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not. 9. Ditto changing underwear 10. Beats being Welsh. 10a. Or Scottish
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN 1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes. 2. Unembarrassed to wear fur. 3. No need to worry about tax returns. 4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d. 5. Can wear sunglasses inside. 6. Political stability. 7. Flexible working hours. 8. Live near the Pope. 9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair. 10. Country run by Sicilian murderers
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN 1. Chicken Madras 2. Lamb Passanda 3. Onion Bhaji 4. Bombay Potato 5. Chicken Tikka Masala 6. Rogan Josh 7. Popadoms 8. Chicken Dopiaza 9. Meat Boona 10. Kingfisher lager
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH 1. Guinness. 2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives. 3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road. 4. Pubs never close. 5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on. 6. No one can ever remember the night before. 7. Kill people you don't agree with. 8. Stew. 9. More Guinness. 10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence. =====================================
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Post by Aradia on Nov 4, 2001 12:32:01 GMT -5
LMAO! Thanks for these, dear...where the hell do you find them? And can I have that woman's perfect day sometime, somehow? Except there needs to be more sex in there somewhere heh
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Post by Arundor on Nov 4, 2001 19:06:26 GMT -5
LOL!
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Post by Spelman on Nov 4, 2001 20:14:40 GMT -5
LMFAO!!
Lemme see if I got this straight:
Faster than a cross town school bus! More powerful than a....waitaminit, that ain't on there! Able to fill a bathtub.......eventually! Considers 5.5 inches to be a full foot! It's Average Man!
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Zoras
Minion
Burn with the Dragon's soul
Posts: 203
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Post by Zoras on Nov 5, 2001 6:51:04 GMT -5
PERFECT DAY FOR ME: 8:00 Wakeup to hugs and kisses. 8:05 Kisses turn passionate. Slow, languorous sex that gets the blood flowing. 8:30 Breakfast. In bed, in the kitchen, or anywhere. Warm toast, butter and jam, with milk and OJ. 9:00 Time to check e-mail and notice boards. 10:00 Daily practise session of Counter-strike, Quake 3 or AvP. Have to keep those fingers nimble. 11:30 Since lover is out at the pediatrician, make a simple lunch of sliced chicken, shallots, onions, noodles and assorted spices. 12:00 Lover still isn't back. Run a warm bath with lavender fragrance. Sprinkle some rose petals on the water. 12:15 Lover returns with weekly groceries. I comment on her lovely new hairstyle, and tell her to go up and take a relaxing bath while I put the groceries away. 12:45 Join lover in the bath. 13:15 Lay in the cool water, just enjoying each other's company. 13:45 Retire to den to work on story and r/ps. 15:30 BG2 Time. Or whatever game I'm currently crazy about. 17:30 Some light exercise. A swim, a cycle around the neighborhood, or a relaxing walk with lover in the nearby park. 18:00Bring lover to this latest Japanese restaurant I found. 18:30 Private meal served by immaculate Japanese chef. A time to sit and talk of the day's activities. 19:30 We drop by the local adult shoppe to see what latest ideas we can glean from the staff. 20:00 Return home. Take a brief, tantalising shower together. 20:30 Lover and I both log on to join our online associates for communal VR RPG. (Hey, who said it had to be in THIS time. 23:00 The game ends for the night, and lover and I retire to bed to start our own game... 23:45 Snuggling and kisses amid a tangle of sweaty sheets. Sweet nothings and sighs fill the air. 0:00 We eventually drop off to sleep, still nestled close to each other. --- I actually wanted more in there, but there weren't enough hours to devote to them.
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